Divorce Proof Your Marriage

Here is a letter from Erin with the notes from DeeDee's talk following.

Hi everyone,

I wanted to follow up to the last mops meeting on October 29^th with DeeDee Woodman, on how to protect your marriage. Somewhere in the transfer from ipod to computer, and through restarting of said computer, the talk has been deleted, from everything. So, we have compiled an outline of notes from the talk, which can be viewed on our blog. I am so sorry that I was unable to transfer that properly, at all. I know that one of these days we will be able to get it to work! I realize that it was a lot of information and could be viewed as somewhat threatening, but as Deedee stated, I really feel like this is such an important topic for us, as moms and women, in this season.

While I have not experienced betrayal within my own marriage, I recently learned about an out-of-state friend who had betrayed her husband.  I thought I knew this friend.  It rocked my world more than I could have ever imagined.  I feel that we need to be ever aware of the reality that this can happen; that it is the prime desire of Satan to tear our marriages apart, and that it can happen to someone we know and it can happen to us.  While I can’t even begin to comprehend being on the side of the betrayed or betrayer, I do understand how it can affect a friendship, a marriage and a family.

So, with that being said, if this is something that you have experienced in any capacity, I’d encourage you to find a ‘safe’ person and talk to them.  I am here if you need to talk, and if you aren’t comfortable talking to me, seek out a mentor mom, or a mentor in your life, or seek out professional counseling, I will gladly pass along DeeDee’s information, deedeewoodmanlpc.com or that of another counselor if you are interested.

One thing I would ask, if someone comes to you with this type of personal information, this trust, guard that with all that is in you. If you are the one seeking out someone to talk with, make sure you let them know your expectations right off the bat, so that there is no confusion. It can be as simple as “I am trusting that this will go no further than you.” If you are the one someone comes to, they are expecting you to be a safe place for them to come to, be a listening ear, don’t plan on solving everything for them. Just be there, and guard and respect the trust that they are instilling in you, if they chose to share with you. I can’t reiterate that enough; respect their decision to tell you, by not telling anyone (period).

I spoke with Paula Valenta, or next speaker, and filled her in on where this talk went. And she asked me to see if anyone had any follow-up questions that they would like her to address in her talk on the 10^th. If you do, email them to her at mtndewluver@yahoo.com, or you can email them to me at my personal email address and I will pass them along to her. If we could get her any questions by Friday of this week, that will give her adequate time to address them in her talk.

Have a great rest of the week.

I love you guys!

Erin Leyba- FCC MOPS Coordinator

Notes

Men need the following from their wife:

Respect

Sex

Time Alone/ Guy Time

Confidence Builders

Forgiveness

To know that they are enough

To know that they are their wife's priority

Shared interest

Affirmation

An attractive Spouse (Don't let yourself go)

A partner ("She's got my back")

Men communicate shoulder to shoulder not face to face as women do. Face to face may cause them to feel threatened or trapped.

What shuts a man down?

Disrespect, criticism, disrespect in front of others, rejection, unrealistic expectations

What can a wife do to divorce proof her marriage?

Date night (limit talk about the kids)

Give him time when he walks in the door to decompress from work (don't dump on him the minute he walks in)

Ask what are his tops three expectations when he comes home

Non-sexual touch

Do things for yourself (continue to pursue interests before kids)

Pick your battles (Is this a hill you want to die on?)

Don't assume only you know what is best for your children

Encourage "man time" without guilt

Write a respect letter

Suggested Readings:

Love & Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerich

The Five Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman

Discussion Questions:

In what ways do you struggle showing your husband Respect?

What specifically do you need to do to "invest" in your relationship?

What is something specific you learned today about men that might help you in your relationship with your husband?